Tea B, Ripe for Consumption

August 21, 2006

Everyone loves tea, right? But with so much competition in the market, you need an edge. Introduced in late 2005 Tea B was a revolution in the nations favourite drink. Named after the blend that produced it’s unique flavours (Tea A tasted like gnats piss), it quickly hit the markets & took the world by storm.

Like Guiness and other health drinks, Tea B was subject to a number of wild claims for those that drank of it”s amber-ish nectar. While claims included such standards as improved fertility, wealth, eyesight & hair growth, perhaps the most bizarre was Tea B’s apparent ability to raise the dead. This is the first recorded incidence of a family drink with supernatural powers. However, behind these wild claims there was a truth was far more chilling. In a sequence of events somewhat reminiscent of Coca Cola’s experience with it’s delicious Dasani bottled water, it was discovered that Tea B could in some cases cause illness, death and a nasty cough – though not neccessarily in that order. The manufacturers were quick to react to this ”image problem” however and, with the help of the nations best-loved celebrities – launched an intensive, nationwide, advertising campaign extolling the virtues of the drink. At the time of going to press none of those involved are now available for comment, being dead. However, if quoted claims are true, they may be back.

In another stroke of luck for the manufacturers, it was discovered that most of the negative effects of Tea B could be counteracted with a good diet and antibiotics. This opened up a whole new opportunity for cross-selling, multi-packs & special offers which kept Tea B sales refreshingly high for the remaining years.

Now, Tea B’s success is on the wane, with other drinks such as Dasani filling the niche for fashion-conscious drinks with a hint of danger. However, for those wishing to relive their youth Tea B is available from most of your local badgers and a small store in Chiswick.


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